Fighting a Losing Battle

One of the main problems with depression is that it never really goes away. No matter what the experts say, no matter how much CBT training or counselling you have, it is always there, somewhere in the background!

I refuse to take medication for it, probably not the best idea I've ever had but I just think it's un-natural to pump our bodies full of medication all the time. I also swear that the medication changes people, they become very detached from the world and un-naturally dosile.

Over the years I have tried many different methods for managing depression and none of them have really worked but I do now have a sort of system that seems to work quite well.

It is quite simply a weekly routine. Everyday we have at least one thing to go to or do. Like today, Tuesday, we go to one toddler group in the morning that starts at 10am, so I have to get up, get dressed and get out of the house. Now to anyone that has never suffered with depression this wouldn't seem like a big deal, but to someone that does suffer sometimes just managing to get out of bed in the morning is a massive achivement! 

Then this afternoon we have another group to go to. It helps to split the day up so you know that you don't have a whole day at home with two little ones that will inevitably get bored and start playing up. It helps me to know we have stuff to do and places to go, it helps to put me in the right frame of mind for the day.

So on days like today, when I feel tired, achey and just general rough it helps me to drag my behind out of bed and forces me to get on with it even though all I want to do is curl up in a ball in my bed and never get out again. 

What about you then, do you have a coping mechanism? Or are you one of the lucky ones that has never suffered with it? 

Crushed Dreams by NHS

For the last year now I have been training to become a Childminder. 

• I have completed and payed for my First Aid for Childcarers Certificate.
• I have attended my Pre-registration Briefing Meetings
• I have completed my Understanding How To Set Up A Home Based Childcare Service Course and Childminder Registration Course.
• I have attended and completed my Safeguarding Children Awareness Course.
•  I have spent hours writing all of my policies & procedures that are required
• I have completed my Enhanced CRB Check
• My partner has completed his Enhanced CRB check
• I have sent off my forms and documents to be checked and signed.
•  I have read and re read the EYFS so I know what is expected of me.
• I have completed all of my risk assessements for every room in my house including the garden.
• I have brought fire guards, first aid boxes, fire blankets, non slip matting and safety glass film etc (all requirements by OFSTED)
• I have spent time creating activity rotas, and printing & laminating posters for my setting. 
• I have paid for my registration fee to OFSTED

...and today I found out that I won't be able to become a Childminder!!!

Words cannot express how devastated I feel.

All because my local Doctors surgery will not sign my Health Declaration Form unless I pay them £87!

It is only two pages and seven tick box questions and would take less than 5 minutes to fill out. It could easily be done within one appointment time. All it requires is a doctor to look at my medical forms which they have on the screen at every appointment and just put a tick in the relevant boxes.

I have two children and currently don’t work as I am at home looking after them. I cannot afford to pay out for childcare and becoming a childminder is the only way that I can work, earn some money and still look after my children.

I simply cannot afford to pay this fee however without this small section of the form filled out I will not be able to become a childminder.

I thought the idea was to help people get back into work not stop them!

Today is a bad day

Lost in a Sea of Nothing in Particular!

It's happened, it was inevitable really. This is how it always goes and probably always will throughout my life.

I got bored and lost interest. 

I'm taking about my blog that I was so enthusiastic about at the start (like most of my 'projects') and then I find something new that captures my attention and I'm off on the next 'great idea'. Hence why one of my 100 things to do before I die is 'follow through on at least one of my ideas'!

The only thing I have ever seen through in my life is being a mother and that's probably only because I don't really have a choice in the matter now.

These past few weeks have been a bit of a blur really. I've hardly been out of the house at all and haven't seen any of my friends. I think I've gone into full blown hiebernation mode. I wouldn't say that I'm in a depressive state right now but I can feel it there just lingering in the background, waiting to pounce. 

 I find it so tiring trying to fight it all the time and sometimes it's just easier to give into it but for now I'm still fighting it.

So what have I missed in blog land while I've been gone??

Shhh don't mention the nits!

So here I am, sat in my dressing gown, with horrible greasy oil all over my hair, a red face and a body that feels like I have fire all over it! 

Today is not a good day! Not only is it the first day of half term and it's pouring with rain but we have had yet another visit from the little hair bugs that were all not suppose to talk about. 

The kids hair is easy to treat, being so young their hair is still really fine, one wizz over with the comb and the one nit they have is gone. Mine however is another story. I think I've worked it out the kids are just the carriers. They innocently bring the little buggers home who then set up camp in my hair! My hair is thick, really thick a perfect home. 

Photo by choonMing

I spent most of my evening last night bent over the bath trying to get a ridiculously small comb through what can only be described as a thick mass of tangled madness. That's not too bad I can deal with that and I can deal with the fact that I have to repeat the process in 7 days what I can't deal with is the allergic reaction that I have to the lice. My skin feels like it's on fire! My forehead is bright red and I want to scrape my skin off to stop it from itching.

Oh the joys of motherhood!

Emotions Are High

When I saw that this weeks theme for the Gallery was 'Emotion' I knew exactly which photo I would use...

My son had always been really well behaved, he was quite layed back and use to just get on with things. No terrible twos in our house and then he turned 3! It was like a switch was flicked on the minute he woke up on his 3rd birthday. I went from having a cute, lovable little 2 year old to having a screaming, possessed 3 year old. 

This picture was one of many tantrums on that particular day which resulted in me doing something that I'd never normally do. (You can read about that here).

To see the other entries into this weeks Gallery over at Tara's blog Sticky Fingers then click here.

Shut up and stop moaning!

I'm going to have a bit of a moan today (just to warn you lol)

I was going to write a post about ' A Mother's Guilt' but I'm struggling. Not because I don't know what to write but more because I can't concentrate. I can't concentrate because I'm just so tired and I'm fed up with being tired which makes me cross. Then I go from cross to sad which makes me feel even more tired

I wake up every morning and feel like I have been beaten with a baseball bat.

Everyday I feel so tired that I can hardly function, I have constant pain all over my body and everytime I stand up everything goes black.  I am still in my late 20's and I shouldn't feel like this everyday. 

The kids go to bed at 7 and don't get up till about 8 so I get plently of sleep. I'm generally on my feet all day doing something whether it be ironing, cleaning, cooking or running around after little ones but that still doesn't explain why I feel as bad as I do.

Image by Ferran Jorda

It seems that if I have a day out with the children, like going to the zoo for the day, it then takes me a week to recover from it. That can't be right?!

I have been back to the doctors AGAIN and she now reckons that it might be iron-deficienct anaemia caused by my heavy periods each month. I must admit I did feel slightly relieved that we may have found the answer but I can't help but be sceptical. I have been taking the pills she gave me for a while now and I'm yet to see any improvement. Maybe it takes a while to kick in?
I have to go back in a month to discuss how I'm feeling, so we'll see.

Image by Keith Ramsey

I'm sorry about the moan but it's just that some days I struggle to pretend that I feel ok. Today is one of those days.

The black cloud

I can always feel it's presence, it's always there somewhere looming in the background. I'm talking about the Black Cloud, the Black Cloud of depression. The cloud that I seem to spend my life fighting against for no real reason. It never really leaves you.

Photo by Jonny Hughes

It is always made worse for me by bad weather, which results in me being stuck inside all day with two lively little-uns.

So today instead of giving in to it, I'm making a list of reason of why I should be happy and thankful for what I've got...

• My children are happy and healthy
• I have a man that loves me unconditionally
• We have a beautiful home in a beautiful part of the world
• We have enough money to feed, clothe and enjoy ourselves
• We live in a part of the world that is safe and not surrounded by violence
• I have recently made some lovely new mummy friends
• This day will end and hopefully the sun will come out tomorrow

Photo by gr33n3gg

A drowning day!

Yesterday was a bad day. I felt like I spent the entire day running around after two grumpy children that were going stir crazy from being insdie all day. I hate the winter! Grrr
It was one of those days when you never seem to be able to get on top of anything. A day when your little angels seem to do things deliberatley just to wind you up! (Of course there not really, I don't think a 1 and 3 year old is quite that devious)
I felt like I was literally drowing.
It was a case of give in and accept it wasn't going to get any better and console myself with the fact that this day cannot go on forever and the little angels would eventually go to bed. Or wrap them up and get out of the house.
I opted for the latter, so there we all are wrapped up as if we were about to go husky sledgeing in Antartica, just to go a play on the swings at the local park.
But do you know what, the day got better from there, I think both myself and the kids needed the fresh air.
We came home pink cheeked and exhausted and the kids played nicely togther for the rest of the afternoon right up until bedtime.
So what started as a drowning day actually turn into a much better day than I anticipated. x