Lost in a Sea of Nothing in Particular!

It's happened, it was inevitable really. This is how it always goes and probably always will throughout my life.

I got bored and lost interest. 

I'm taking about my blog that I was so enthusiastic about at the start (like most of my 'projects') and then I find something new that captures my attention and I'm off on the next 'great idea'. Hence why one of my 100 things to do before I die is 'follow through on at least one of my ideas'!

The only thing I have ever seen through in my life is being a mother and that's probably only because I don't really have a choice in the matter now.

These past few weeks have been a bit of a blur really. I've hardly been out of the house at all and haven't seen any of my friends. I think I've gone into full blown hiebernation mode. I wouldn't say that I'm in a depressive state right now but I can feel it there just lingering in the background, waiting to pounce. 

 I find it so tiring trying to fight it all the time and sometimes it's just easier to give into it but for now I'm still fighting it.

So what have I missed in blog land while I've been gone??

Shhh don't mention the nits!

So here I am, sat in my dressing gown, with horrible greasy oil all over my hair, a red face and a body that feels like I have fire all over it! 

Today is not a good day! Not only is it the first day of half term and it's pouring with rain but we have had yet another visit from the little hair bugs that were all not suppose to talk about. 

The kids hair is easy to treat, being so young their hair is still really fine, one wizz over with the comb and the one nit they have is gone. Mine however is another story. I think I've worked it out the kids are just the carriers. They innocently bring the little buggers home who then set up camp in my hair! My hair is thick, really thick a perfect home. 

Photo by choonMing

I spent most of my evening last night bent over the bath trying to get a ridiculously small comb through what can only be described as a thick mass of tangled madness. That's not too bad I can deal with that and I can deal with the fact that I have to repeat the process in 7 days what I can't deal with is the allergic reaction that I have to the lice. My skin feels like it's on fire! My forehead is bright red and I want to scrape my skin off to stop it from itching.

Oh the joys of motherhood!

Shut up and stop moaning!

I'm going to have a bit of a moan today (just to warn you lol)

I was going to write a post about ' A Mother's Guilt' but I'm struggling. Not because I don't know what to write but more because I can't concentrate. I can't concentrate because I'm just so tired and I'm fed up with being tired which makes me cross. Then I go from cross to sad which makes me feel even more tired

I wake up every morning and feel like I have been beaten with a baseball bat.

Everyday I feel so tired that I can hardly function, I have constant pain all over my body and everytime I stand up everything goes black.  I am still in my late 20's and I shouldn't feel like this everyday. 

The kids go to bed at 7 and don't get up till about 8 so I get plently of sleep. I'm generally on my feet all day doing something whether it be ironing, cleaning, cooking or running around after little ones but that still doesn't explain why I feel as bad as I do.

Image by Ferran Jorda

It seems that if I have a day out with the children, like going to the zoo for the day, it then takes me a week to recover from it. That can't be right?!

I have been back to the doctors AGAIN and she now reckons that it might be iron-deficienct anaemia caused by my heavy periods each month. I must admit I did feel slightly relieved that we may have found the answer but I can't help but be sceptical. I have been taking the pills she gave me for a while now and I'm yet to see any improvement. Maybe it takes a while to kick in?
I have to go back in a month to discuss how I'm feeling, so we'll see.

Image by Keith Ramsey

I'm sorry about the moan but it's just that some days I struggle to pretend that I feel ok. Today is one of those days.

Scary London

Well I did it, I went to London today all by myself. 

It was terrifying! It's just so big, with far to many people and way to easy to lose your bearings and get lost.

I very nearly bottled it and didn't go but I managed to pull myself together in the end and off I went. 

It's not like I've never been to London before, infact quite the opposite (I use to live very near by) it's just that my anxiety levels since having children have sky rocketed. 

Photo by Andor Kish

I have recently been told that I suffer with social anxiety, which basically means I freak out before, after and during any social events for no good reason. It's a nightmare but I've recently started Cognitive Behavioral Therapy to try and combat it. Which is basically a way of re-training your brain to think about things in a different way. 
I've only just started it so we'll see how it goes.

So anyway, I went to London and it all went really well. I had a lovely lunch at the rainforest cafe and met some lovely other mummy bloggers. 

We were there for a new drink product LOL by Heinz. (Review found here). 

Photo by mariosp

 I feel very proud of myself today, despite the major panic attacks I was having about going, I went and I really enjoyed myself. I feel like I've taken a really positive step forward today and I'm on the road towards feeling like my pre children more confident, self again.
I'm now going to chill out with a well deserved glass of vino (or two). x

Image by Danielle Bauer

The black cloud

I can always feel it's presence, it's always there somewhere looming in the background. I'm talking about the Black Cloud, the Black Cloud of depression. The cloud that I seem to spend my life fighting against for no real reason. It never really leaves you.

Photo by Jonny Hughes

It is always made worse for me by bad weather, which results in me being stuck inside all day with two lively little-uns.

So today instead of giving in to it, I'm making a list of reason of why I should be happy and thankful for what I've got...

• My children are happy and healthy
• I have a man that loves me unconditionally
• We have a beautiful home in a beautiful part of the world
• We have enough money to feed, clothe and enjoy ourselves
• We live in a part of the world that is safe and not surrounded by violence
• I have recently made some lovely new mummy friends
• This day will end and hopefully the sun will come out tomorrow

Photo by gr33n3gg

Do all mother's lose their identity?

I was going through some boxes full of old stuff that I’ve collected over the years and came across loads of photo’s of me (pre – babies) and I can’t believe how much I have changed in such a short space of time.

Pre children I was the life and soul of a party, mine was the house that everyone use to hang out at, whether it be a massive party, a big old bbq or a sing song round the fire pit (handmade by me from an old oil drum).  Whatever the group decided to do it would be at mine and looking back through those photos reminded me just how often we use to do things like that.

 

Image by Jason Brown

I never spent a huge amount of time pampering etc but if I was going out for the evening I would always make an effort to make myself feel good , nowadays I would rather choice to stay in than go out at all, mainly because I can’t muster up the energy to get ready, by the time I’ve put the kids to bed all I want to do is die on the sofa with a well earned glass of vino.

 Image by Oliver323

Although looking back through those old photo’s did make me feel a slight prang of longing for my pre baby, single life it also made me realise how meaninless my life actually was. I had bounced from course to course not really knowing what I wanted to do, I’d also bounced from boyfriend to boyfriend not really wanting to be with any of them, and even with all the parties, friends and wild nights I was the most depressed and lonely I have ever been in my life.

Now however, even though I’m tired, constantly look like I’ve been dragged through a hedge backwards and  have a serious case of agrophobia, I have never been happier in my life.

 Image by Peyri Herrera

 I never really get these woman that say things like ‘Just because I have children now doesn’t mean my life will have to change’. Mainly because I don’t see how it is possible to have children and your life not to change. Whether it be having less time to spend on the way you look, constantly feeling tired or it always becoming a military operation just to get out of the house. No one plans for them to take over your life, they just do.

Finding the balance between being the best mummy that you can but at the same time still feeling like a human being has to be the hardest thing about being a mother.

 Image by Darek Zon

So how much have your lives changed since having kids?